to Hive being
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What is Hive Being, and Why the Name?
You have likely heard talk of a hive mind, where one global mind finds more or less figurative expression in various local minds. Such talk is common enough in nature documentaries, especially ones concerning ants or bees, and in sci-fi programs. Take that notion, at least a loose version of it, and broaden its scope. That will be a decent first step in understanding the title I have chosen both for my Blog and for the first five-volume installment of my magnum opus Made For You and Me, a fragmentary collection of minimalist stanzas from 2016 to 2020.
In alignment with Spinoza (the 17th Century Rationalist to whom I devoted my doctoral studies), I view reality in its totality as a grand hive Being: all entities are but pulsating manifestations of the buckstopping fount of everything, an ultimate being we might call “God” or “Nature” (so long as, out of respect for the capital “G” and the capital “N,” we limit it neither to some anthropomorphic cloud father hurling lightning bolts nor to mere wilderness untouched by human smog). According to the hive-Being view (where reality is one lone superorganism, a monistic—and we might even say unividualist—conception I defend in both my creative and academic capacities), each non-foundational being (each being, that is, whose essence does not involve existence) is an utterly necessitated expression or eruption or exudation of this eternal source—each is, perhaps better put, a mode or manner of being, and so a focal point through which is disclosed, what classical theists sometimes call “being itself” (ipsum esse subsistens): the realness of the real, the being of whatever may be, the sheer activity of being, the very isness of whatever is. This Blog, which duplicates my Substack, throbs as but one among many literary unfurlings of this self-necessitated foundation, this supreme wellspring, of which we—like black holes and broken beliefs, like fractal ferns and flickering flames—are the inevitable stylings.
My Journey
I am an academic who found himself pressured into early retirement by the rising tides of cancel culture. The illiberal scourge of censoring, silencing, and shaming—although always with us throughout our evolution—reached a local peak around 2021. That was the turbulent year my creative pursuits, which the old left once encouraged as a healthy outlet for the stresses of a childhood steeped in poverty and illiteracy, drew the ire of the new safe-space left. A small cadre of self-proclaimed victims and their allies, several of whom continue to berate me years later under pseudonyms as see through as their sexual infatuation, sought to erase me and my heterodoxy. They found support from a wannabe-woke dean, covered in the grand inquisitor robes of our decadent modernity (full-body tattoos) and just itching to signal his commitment to protecting “vulnerable populations” from triggering material (even if just, as it was in my case, off-duty poems “unbecoming for someone calling himself a teacher”). Although I eventually won my due-process case with the help of The Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression, I slunk away from a college that turned its back on protecting freedom of expression and from an institution increasingly intolerant of intellectual diversity.
The wrecking ball to my too-comfy office in the windowless ivory tower came with a silver lining. From the ashes of my professional aspirations rose a phoenix of increased freedom to fulfill the literary calling I have pursued for decades. Reputation concerns never stopped me, even within academia’s sterile halls of conformity. Indeed, my unapologetic defiance, which has long baffled friends and family, no doubt chummed even safe waters—almost as if I were asking for it all along—until the cancel shiver grew too frenzied to hold back its blind thrashings. But now, now I piston the most forbidden territories of human thought with no longer even a twinge of conscience. The newfound freedom means extra time to hone my craft. When not assisting special-needs communities (a day job far more rewarding than freeway-flyer drudgeries), I pursue my literary mission with Dionysian fervor.
Call for Co-Conspirators
This space, my digital sanctuary, showcases the fruits of my mission. Think of my posts, even those linking to my publications, as works in progress. I want your input, unflinching brutality included. Each post begins with an invitation to action: “Let’s workshop this [draft about x, y, z].” Your contributions, whether through public comments or my contact page, help hammer scraps of ore into polished blades fit for magazine publication.
Your input is valuable, even if you are neither a writer nor a reader of literature—twin disciplines dying by the cyber nanosecond. Sometimes—even if at the risk of uttering banalities—an outsider’s fresh vantage can pierce the veils of convention to reveal what insiders miss. It often takes an outsider to make us even think to question our ingrained presuppositions and attitudes. I stand by the hygienic value of contagion. That is one reason I advocate so strongly for intellectual diversity and freedom of expression. And that is also one reason I was so harrowed by the anti-diversity swell of cancel culture in academia (an institution that should be the utmost caretaker of such values)—harrowed especially insofar as that swell masqueraded under the gaslighting guise of “diversity”).
You will witness the breathing evolution of my writings over time. To track these changes, I label each revision by round: “ROUND 2,” ROUND 3,” and so forth. Each piece undergoes continuous refinement based on your feedback and my own revisitations. Sometimes changes will mar the work. That is the risk of creative tinkering as a finite creature. I hope you will alert me to missteps. After many semesters of university writing workshops, one rule has impressed itself upon me: when someone senses a flaw, something almost always needs to change—even if, yes, the proposed solution misses the mark (which often it does). From a quick look into the archives, accessible here, you can see how much I have benefited from your feedback so far.
My Hope
Sharing drafts can be daunting. But showing you the ravaged and unperfumed real deal unfiltered by makeup (stuttering starts and falsities, awkward line breaks and clumsy word choices, grammatical errors and misspellings)—that not only makes my work more relatable, but helps me refine things through your input. I hope the unfiltered look at the raw process of fumbling, rather than just the polished product, also helps other writers develop their craft. Imperfect works often instruct more than perfect ones: whereas the perfect ones tend to have a grace by which they slip inside us without activating our scrutiny, the imperfect ones—especially the near perfect ones—show us glaringly what not to do.
People laugh at me, seeing—in my tilting at the windmills of literary excellence—a Don Quixote clunking around in Arthurian armor in a post-knight era. I am not naïve. I am well aware of the diminishing ability to read, let alone well: slowly and deeply, with gratitude. I am also aware that my style, which often nests subpoints within larger points, never waters down virtuosity for the sake of mass appeal. I watch readers stumble over my sentences, unable to unlock even just the music of the envelope let alone the semantic meat within, which—given my tendency to flashlight through the darker facets of human nature (the addicts, the miscreants, the abusers among us)—only adds an additional alienating layer of difficulty). Beholding these depressive scenes of even supportive family members getting bucked off my syntactic bronco makes me feel like a dinosaur who should get a hint and, if not succumb to the brain rot of skibidi-toilet speak, just hang himself already. Even though the decline in linguistic background and grammatical voltage makes my compositions seem quixotic in a world binging Netflix and TikTok, I persist—raging against the dying of the light—by some internal compulsion to celebrate the richness of language and thought.
My hope is that, despite social media’s unparalleled power to farm our attention, people never forget the unique power of writing. Beyond unveiling hypocrisy, teasing out complex implications, and detailing the commonalities between even the most alien phenomena, writing offers something we need today—trapped in agoraphobic cyber bubbles only thickened by the Lyme dangers of forests and the COVID dangers of cities—perhaps more than ever. Granting us rich access to the first-person perspectives of others (to how things feel to them), writing serves as one of humanity’s best tools for combating loneliness. It allows us to linger, broadly and deeply and at high resolution, within the inner lives of others in a way that other arts can only suggest.
What to Expect
My work spans a broad spectrum: from metaphysical discourses on free will and determinism and the ontology of holes to the ephemera of western culture (whether the childhood impacts of the hypersexual mono-image of black woman as squirting twerkers or Terrence Howard’s sham revolution of mathematics). Some tight and minimal, others free-flowing sprawls; some heady and abstract, others emotional and imagistic—my inkwell musings, which often blend scholarly rigor with a dark humor from both high and low culture, aim to capture the visceral intensity of our personal and social and ultimately existential predicaments.
By no means can I deny that drug abuse, sexual assault, and the tales of the broken and the damned loom large in the tag cloud of my work. My writing will never be a paradise of easy truths and comforting lies. It will challenge you, provoke you, and at times even repulse you. I offer no apologies for the monsters I unleash. They are as much a part of us, at long root scared rodent mammals scurrying in the shadows of dinosaurs, as our noblest aspirations.
But make no mistake. It is not all downer darkness. The archives are my receipts. You will find pieces exploring the pursuit of authenticity in a media-saturated world, the search for meaning in an indifferent cosmos, and the celebration of beauty in both the sublime and the profane. I locate much of my inspiration, in fact, in novelists like Dostoevsky and poets like Ted Kooser—writers unafraid to pursue moral agendas or risk Hallmark sentimentality in an age that often sneers at sincerity.
Be they satirical dissections of modern social dynamics or poignant poems about addiction or academic articles on moral responsibility, my goal is to provoke thought, evoke emotion, and foster meaningful dialogue. Fear has not and will not stop me from challenging humanity’s fundamental taboos (like bestiality and cannibalism) or self-reflecting into the dark chaos of the subconscious, even if that means exposing the Jungian shadows—the inner Goebbels—lurking within us all!
Expect posts each day, no day missed. Donations are welcome, but I impose no paywall: it feels wrong to charge for art, especially given our date with obliteration. Feel free to explore what amounts to, at the time of writing this, close to a thousand pieces of poetry and prose here. That should give you a sense of what awaits.
Join me—specula holstered—on this literary odyssey into the public and private nooks of the hive Being. Let us navigate the labyrinth of creation together, confronting our demons and even slaying our darlings if we must. Let us dance on the razor’s edge between the sublime and the profane in pursuit of an elusive literary perfection never to be confused—as it has been confused in our declining civilization—with the pursuit of popularity or likeability over truth.
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Posts
Cuckold Porn (ROUND 2)
This text operates as a complex satirical document that bridges direct observation and literary intensification, presenting what the author frames as a ritualized performance of racial atonement captured at a contemporary campus demonstration. The piece opens with an extended single-sentence paragraph that establishes both its provocative thesis and its rhetorical architecture: that Black Americans, along with broader audiences, consume displays of white submission as a form of racialized spectacle, analogized here to both consumption ("moonpie creampies") and pornographic humiliation (the "cuckold" scenario). The opening's syntactic complexity—maintaining grammatical coherence while embedding multiple parenthetical critiques of progressive politics, corporate appropriation of social justice narratives, and the Disney-fication of victimhood—creates a dense intellectual frame before the reader encounters the raw vernacular of the bullhorn speaker.
The framing paragraph performs several critical rhetorical functions simultaneously. First, it positions the author within the Black community ("Blacks, all of us really") while simultaneously distancing from what the text suggests is collective complicity in consuming degradation theater. Second, it introduces the "progressive machinery" metaphor, characterizing contemporary social justice activism as a mechanized system "ever hungry for fresh liturgy" that moves cyclically through protected classes—from Black Panther to hypothetical "Trans Panther" or "Undocumented Panther"—with the crucial observation that corporate sponsorship (Disney's "bankrolling the mythology") fundamentally undermines claims of powerlessness. The text argues that true marginalization cannot coexist with Hollywood's most powerful corporation championing one's cause in "tearjerkers of solidarity." Third, the pornographic frame ("cuckold porn scenarios") is established not as mere provocation but as interpretive lens: the "effeminate white men" performing submission to "amplified moans" create, the text argues, an unavoidably sexual spectacle, particularly when "tongues come out." The comparison to white husbands proving they've "swallowed every drop" completes the humiliation circuit—racial abasement mapped onto sexual degradation, with the clinical detail of the "family-practitioner 'Aah'" rendering the proof of submission simultaneously medical and obscene.
The transition to direct speech—the bullhorn speaker's monologue—shifts registers entirely while maintaining thematic continuity. Here the text moves from educated, literary analysis to what presents as documentary transcription of Black urban vernacular, complete with deliberate misspellings ("musculine") and grammatical structures authentic to the speaker's voice. This code-switching is itself significant: the piece argues through form that critique of these rituals need not originate from outside Black communities, that the educated Black voice of the opening and the street-inflected bullhorn voice occupy the same critical space. The speaker operates with complete self-awareness of his performance, explicitly naming it as spectacle ("a nigga gotta get this shit up on YouTube"), as entertainment ("y'all supposed to laugh"), and as role reversal ("We ain't doin the jig today, folks. Nah, your turn now. We want that mouth jig"). The minstrel show invocation is central: just as Black performers historically degraded themselves for white audiences, white performers now degrade themselves for Black audiences and cameras, with the crucial difference that these white participants volunteer, even compete, for the opportunity.
The religious framing operates throughout with increasing intensity. The speaker opens by declaring "This the Lord's work," invoking Isaiah's prophecy about oppressors' children bowing at the feet of the formerly oppressed, and references "Prophets" enjoying tongued submission. This theological justification transforms what might be read as simple power reversal into divinely sanctioned restoration of cosmic order. The text allows this religious framework to stand without authorial interruption, permitting readers to take it as sincere spiritual practice or as cynical manipulation depending on their interpretive stance. The piece's satirical power derives largely from this ambiguity: believers in reparative justice might genuinely celebrate the speaker's Biblical citations as righteous reclamation, while critics see blasphemous weaponization of scripture for sadistic ends.
The escalation structure merits analysis. The piece begins with a lone woman, praised as "one of them good ones" who demonstrates understanding of "what that nasty skin done did." The sexual undertone enters immediately ("Bet not tell your white man how far down, right?"), suggesting the guilt runs to sexual depths. As more participants arrive, the speaker's confidence and explicitness increase. The first white man is addressed formally, required to display his sign ("I will work to repair the damage of my whiteness"), and ordered to "get real low." By the time "Mr. White Man Number Two" appears, the speaker openly discusses pleasure ("It feel good don't it? Oh yeah. It feels real good"), instructs on technique ("Don't be afraid to use that tongue. Just don't get to musculine with it now"), and references religious enjoyment ("Prophets always liked that tongue"). The sexual subtext becomes text.
The daughter's participation represents the piece's most disturbing escalation and its clearest argument about generational indoctrination. The girl arrives holding a sign reading "I will never call reparations 'looting'"—a political position, the text suggests, she cannot possibly understand at her age. When her mother attempts to help, the speaker insists "she can do it all by herself. She a big girl," forcing the child into autonomous participation. The phrase "Ain't gotta tell the little bitch nothin. She just know. How she just know y'all?" functions as the piece's central question about socialization: how has this child been trained to perform racial submission so completely that instruction becomes unnecessary? The speaker's command—"Check his work now. It good?"—positions the daughter as quality inspector of her father's degradation, teaching her to evaluate and approve male family submission to Black authority. The final instruction, "Give it one little kiss for me, Baby Girl. Show me it good. Show and prove," imports hip-hop terminology into this initiation rite, requiring the child to physically demonstrate her acceptance of the hierarchy. The speaker's "Yeah, that what this about" names the ultimate purpose: not momentary atonement but permanent reeducation across generations.
The academic setting proves crucial context. The speaker references "Campus ain't just talk no more," distinguishes those who are "all theory" from those taking action, and notes that "Ain't no college teach this. This—this right here people, look at him—worth more than any piece of paper. This real education right here—black education." The text argues that campus antiracism has evolved from intellectual discourse into ritualized practice, from seminar room to public park, from theoretical frameworks about systemic oppression to literal boot-licking as curriculum. The "professor-lookin muhv" becomes exemplar of how educated white males must demonstrate that their theoretical allyship translates into bodily submission. The piece suggests that contemporary campus culture has created conditions where such displays become legible as authentic antiracist practice rather than theatrical degradation.
The pornographic reading insists on itself through accumulating detail. The speaker's moans ("Ooh yeah"), the instruction to use tongue, the discussion of how "it feel good," the requirement to "polish the shit" with saliva, the "boot juice" requiring shine—these elements, the text argues, make the sexual dimension unavoidable. The comparison to "Jar Jar Binks" voices adds racial complexity: the widely criticized Star Wars character, often read as racial caricature, here describes white men performing submission, suggesting the spectacle contains layered racial performance where all participants engage in demeaning theater. The cuckold pornography frame positions white participants as emasculated, feminized ("effeminate white men," "don't get to musculine"), and sexually serving Black male pleasure through their own degradation—precisely the fantasy structure of the racialized cuckold genre the opening invokes.
The text's political critique operates on multiple levels. First, it questions whether such performances achieve any meaningful antiracist work or merely provide spectacle that, as the opening argues, Black audiences "just eat up" as entertainment. Second, it suggests these rituals encode and reinforce rather than challenge power dynamics, creating new hierarchies rather than dismantling old ones. Third, it implicates corporate progressivism (Disney, campus culture) in manufacturing and monetizing victim status as cultural product. Fourth, it argues that true powerlessness—the kind that would justify such atonement—cannot coexist with institutional and corporate support. Fifth, it proposes that the "progressive machinery" will inevitably move to new designated victims, rendering current performances obsolete and revealing their theatrical rather than transformative nature. Sixth, it contends that such displays harm Black communities by encouraging "victimology" and "dependency," keeping participants "stuck on a plantation" of manufactured grievance and entitled behavior that, the text suggests, manifests as poor conduct when Black Americans travel internationally to places that don't grant them "supercitizen" or "pet victim" status.
The satirical strategy mirrors Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" in its faithful inhabitation of a position to expose that position's implications. Just as Swift never breaks character to announce "I'm not really advocating eating Irish babies," this text never breaks the bullhorn speaker's voice to clarify "this is obviously wrong." Instead, it allows the speaker to fully inhabit his role—enjoying the power, savoring the submission, explicitly discussing the pleasure, recruiting children—with the expectation that readers will divide based on their prior commitments. Those invested in reparative justice frameworks might celebrate the Isaiah prophecy being fulfilled, the white privilege being checked, the necessary humbling of oppressor classes. Those skeptical of such frameworks will see sadistic theater exploiting white guilt for Black gratification and social media content. The text's success as satire depends on this bifurcated reading—its capacity to satisfy believers even as it horrifies critics.
The piece concludes with the hip-hop phrase "Show and prove," which traditionally means demonstrating one's claims through action rather than mere words. Here it encapsulates the text's central argument: that contemporary antiracism has evolved into a performative practice where "showing" (literal boot-kissing, tongue-submission, training children in racial hierarchy) has replaced substantive engagement with structural inequality. The speaker's final assessment—"Yeah, that what this about"—names this ritualized performance as the movement's essential character, its true curriculum, its ultimate teaching. Whether readers hear this as righteous truth-telling or cynical exposure depends entirely on their political and moral frameworks, which is precisely the point of effective satire.
Meta Summary
This text documents and intensifies a campus racial atonement ritual into a satirical critique that operates simultaneously as sincere performance (for believers in reparative justice) and devastating exposure (for skeptics of identity politics theater). Through formal code-switching between literary analysis and vernacular speech, pornographic framing devices, religious justification, and the strategic deployment of a child's participation, the piece argues that contemporary antiracist practice has devolved into degradation spectacle that harms both participants and broader racial discourse while generating content and pleasure for various audiences. The work's power derives from its refusal to editorialize, allowing the documented performance to serve as its own argument about the state of campus progressivism, corporate social justice, and the performative mechanics of identity-based atonement rituals.
Keywords
performative antiracism, racial atonement rituals, campus identity politics, cuckold pornography metaphor, generational indoctrination, progressive machinery, corporate social justice, Disney-fication of victimhood, victimology critique, boot-licking symbolism, white guilt exploitation, Black urban vernacular, code-switching satire, Biblical prophecy weaponization, minstrel show inversion, emasculation theater, spectacle consumption, hip-hop pedagogy, show-and-prove methodology, degradation curriculum
Sleep Fissures (ROUND 3)
“Sleep Fissures” is a bifurcated poem structured around delayed recognition: the first section situates us in the immediacy of a mother’s medical confusion, while the second relocates the scene within the adult survivor’s retrospective consciousness. The fissure of the title signals rupture across time—between symptom and cause, between childhood vulnerability and adult comprehension, between what was visible and what was structurally unseen.
In the first section, the poem centers maternal bewilderment. The mother has cycled through multiple bottles of amoxicillin, indicating persistent and unexplained illness. The toddler’s symptoms—fever, discharge, vomiting—are rendered in sensory detail that underscores urgency rather than sensationalism. Faced with recurring distress, the mother conducts a domestic purge. She removes scented soaps, bubble baths, junk foods, tight clothing—every plausible environmental irritant. The home becomes a laboratory of elimination. Her actions are methodical, loving, and tragically misdirected. The line “all, save Mr. Malik” lands with devastating restraint. The one factor not scrutinized is the adult male presence. The poem thereby exposes the limits of culturally conditioned suspicion: products are interrogated, but trusted adults remain unexamined. The fissure here is epistemic—the inability to imagine interpersonal harm within familiar space.
The second section shifts to adulthood and literal embodiment. The speaker now bears a tattoo of her preschool self across her torso. The phrasing makes clear that the child’s body is inked in anatomical proximity to her own, such that the lower halves visually align. This is not metaphor but deliberate corporeal inscription. The adult woman has marked herself with the image of the child she once was, collapsing temporal distance into physical adjacency. The overlap becomes a visual and symbolic convergence of past and present selves.
The reference to a toy-like object—described as malleable, polymeric—suggests the material culture of abuse without lingering in explicit detail. The emphasis is on pliability and shaping: both the object and the perpetrator are associated with molded material. The line that the adult woman can now “see… the child in the perp” complicates moral narrative. Recognition does not entail forgiveness; rather, it reveals intergenerational damage. The adult survivor perceives that the perpetrator himself may have been developmentally stunted or previously harmed. This does not excuse violence but situates it within cycles of distortion.
The language of adulthood—“now the true big girl”—signals reclaimed agency. The adult body is no longer merely the site of violation but of interpretation. Yet the imagery of alignment ensures that childhood remains present within adult sexuality. The tattoo functions as both memorial and indictment. It refuses erasure. By aligning the child-image with her own body, the speaker makes visible what was once misread as infection or environmental irritation. The body becomes archive.
The poem’s power lies in its economy. It juxtaposes maternal diligence with catastrophic oversight, and adult self-knowledge with indelible embodiment. “Sleep Fissures” ultimately interrogates how trauma hides within ordinary domestic space and how recognition often arrives only after the body has carried its imprint forward. The fissure is not only between past and present, but between innocence and comprehension.
Meta Description:
“Sleep Fissures” is a two-part poem about childhood illness later revealed as sexual abuse, culminating in the adult survivor’s literal tattoo of her younger self aligned with her present body. Through stark domestic imagery and embodied symbolism, the poem explores misrecognition, trauma inscription, and delayed understanding.
Keywords:
childhood trauma, hidden abuse, maternal misrecognition, tattoo symbolism, body as archive, survivor perspective, generational harm, retrospective awareness, domestic space, embodied memory, intergenerational cycles, poetic dual structure
Sleep Fissures (ROUND 2)
“Sleep Fissures” is a two-part poem structured around belated recognition: a childhood bodily crisis misread as medical anomaly in the first section, and reinterpreted in adulthood as sexual abuse in the second. The poem’s fissure is temporal and epistemological—the crack between what is visible in the moment and what only later becomes legible. Crucially, the second section makes clear that the adult woman has literally inscribed her childhood self onto her body in the form of a tattoo, such that the genitalia of the adult and the child image visually converge. This convergence is not metaphorical alone; it is anatomical and deliberate, an embodied archive.
The first section unfolds within maternal bewilderment. The mother, cycling through “amoxicillin bottle / four,” confronts recurrent symptoms in her toddler: discharge, fever, vomiting. The sensory details—“olive discharge,” “foamy,” “fevered”—create a clinical atmosphere bordering on horror. The mother’s response is systematic elimination. She “guts / the home of all culprits,” stripping away scented soaps, bubble baths, junk foods, tight synthetic underwear. The domestic sphere becomes a laboratory of suspicion. Every consumable, every product, is interrogated as potential irritant. Yet the final clause—“all, save Mr. Malik”—reveals the catastrophic blind spot. The true source of harm is not chemical but interpersonal. The name stands unadorned, devastating in its quiet placement. The mother’s vigilance is intense but misdirected; the fissure lies between symptom and cause.
The second section shifts into the adult survivor’s vantage point. The opening lines—“Spread preschool self tatted / to her torso”—must be read literally. The grown woman bears a tattoo of her preschool-aged self across her torso. The inked child is not abstract or symbolic but anatomically rendered. When the poem states that “both bald pussies converge,” it describes a visual and spatial overlap: the tattooed child’s genital area is positioned such that it aligns with the adult woman’s own. The effect is unsettling by design. The adult body becomes a site where past and present anatomies meet, where the violated child self and the sexualized adult self are layered into a single visual plane. The convergence literalizes trauma’s persistence: the child is not left behind but carried forward, mapped onto flesh.
The comparison to “Gumby” and “clay” underscores malleability and molding. The perpetrator, Mr. Malik, is described as clay-like—suggesting that he too was shaped, perhaps misshapen, by prior forces. The line “the kid inside the perp” does not absolve but contextualizes. The adult survivor can now perceive complexity that the preschooler could not. She sees the developmental arrest, the immaturity within the man who harmed her. Yet this perception does not neutralize damage; instead, it intensifies the tragic circularity of abuse.
The phrase “cervix ravaging / the mewling load of each avatar” reads as a layered image of repetition. “Avatar” signals iteration—multiple instances across time or bodies. The adult woman’s cervix, once implicated in childhood assault, now participates in consensual sexuality, yet the tattoo ensures that each act is haunted by the earlier self. The child image and the adult anatomy occupy the same space, making every sexual experience a site of collision between agency and memory. The ravaging is not necessarily ongoing abuse but the psychic reactivation of the original wound, replayed across “each avatar” of her adult relationships.
What the poem ultimately stages is the impossibility of clean temporal separation. Trauma is not sealed off in childhood; it is inscribed, quite literally, onto the adult body. The tattoo functions as both reclamation and indictment. By choosing to mark herself with her younger image, the survivor asserts authorship over her narrative. Yet the convergence of genital imagery refuses sentimental closure. The body remembers in ways the mother could not see and the system could not diagnose.
“Sleep Fissures” thus interrogates not only abuse but misrecognition. The mother’s frantic cleansing contrasts with the adult daughter’s radical exposure. The fissure is between surfaces scrubbed and truths embedded. By rendering the tattoo literal and anatomically aligned, the poem collapses past and present into a single corporeal text, making the body itself the archive of what was once mistaken for illness.
Meta Description:
“Sleep Fissures” is a two-part poem about childhood illness later revealed as sexual abuse, culminating in the adult survivor’s literal tattoo of her younger self, anatomically aligned with her present body. The poem explores trauma as inscription, misrecognition, and the convergence of past and present selves.
Keywords:
childhood trauma, sexual abuse, body as archive, tattoo symbolism, misdiagnosis, maternal vigilance, survivor memory, anatomical convergence, generational harm, trauma inscription, retrospective recognition, embodied memory, poetic duality
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Don’t let anyone tell you that real life is lacking in poetic interest. This is exactly what the poet is for: he has the mind and the imagination to find something of interest in everyday things. Real life supplies the motifs, the points that need to be said—the actual heart of the matter; but it is the poet’s job to fashion it all into a beautiful, animated whole. You are familiar with Fürnstein, the so-called “nature poet”? He has written a poem about growing hops, and you couldn’t imagine anything nicer. I have now asked him to write some poems celebrating the work of skilled artisans, in particular weavers, and I am quite sure he will succeed; he has lived among such people from an early age, he knows the subject inside out, and will be in full command of his material. That is the advantage of small works: you need only choose subjects that you know and have at your command. With a longer poetic work, however, this is not possible. There is no way around it: all the different threads that tie the whole thing together, and are woven into the design, have to be shown in accurate detail. Young people only have a one-sided view of things, whereas a longer work requires a multiplicity of viewpoints—and that’s where they come unstuck.—Goethe (Conversations with Eckermann)
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